Should You Be Friends With Your Ex Girlfriend?

Published: 13th August 2009
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So your girlfriend utters those three magic words no guy wants to hear... "let's be friends". In theory, it's not such a bad idea is it? You get to still hang out with her, talk with her, play email tag... it's a way of being around your girlfriend even after the two of you drift apart. But what if you want her back? What if you're not just looking for friendship, but a little something more?

You'll run across a hundred thousand articles showing you exactly how to stay friends with your ex girlfriend. And then you'll run across this one... the one article that tells you all those other articles are a bunch of crap. Because if you're looking to one day kiss your ex again on something other than her cheek? You're going to need to know why being her friend is the last thing in the world you'd ever want.

So wipe that phony smile off your face and throw away the small talk... I'm here to help you out of the Friend Zone before you even step foot within it's desperate boundaries.

After a girlfriend dumps them, many guys will cling to the idea of staying close to her. While accepting your ex's offer to be friends sounds like a really nice deal, it's actually not. The whole thing will end up costing you a lot more than you think... you'll develop bitter feelings of awkwardness and jealousy that you never imagined you'd have. For example, imagine your ex girlfriend kissing another guy. Pretty bad, right? Now imagine her kissing another guy and then telling you all about it. Now go even one step further, and imagine yourself having to clap your hands and act all happy for her because you're her "friend" and you wish her nothing but the best. Are you getting the picture? Good.

Any time a girl ends things with you, there are really only two choices. Either you choose to forget her and move on with your life, or you make a strong attempt to get her back. Winning back your girlfriend is definitely achievable, but you have to first make the conscious decision to try and do it. It's not something you "kinda" do from a friendship standpoint.

Oh, and all those guys who say you *can* be friends with an ex? They're liars too. Because they're sitting there doing the same thing you'll be doing in a few weeks or months: clinging to your ex girlfriend's table scraps while hoping that she'll turn around and miraculously decide she loves you again. Do you think being pals with your exgirlfriend is the same as putting your foot in the door to a future romance? Because if that's what you're hoping to achieve, you need to cash the following reality check:

Let's list the things your girlfriend gets when you agree to be her friend:

* A nice companion to bounce things off of

* The comfort of being with you, without being *with* you

* Someone to call and talk to whenever she's confused

* Someone to take her out whenever she feels bored

* A friend who'll do anything she wants, just to hang out with her


Now let's see all the wonderful benefits you get from the friendship:

* The eternal insecurity of her rejection

* The jealousy of watching her life move on without you

* Lots and lots of great small talk (you do love small talk, right?)

* The constant fear of her dating someone else

* The unlimited fun of acting like you don't still have feelings for her

* The awkwardness of meeting her new boyfriend

* The despair of knowing she'll never date you again


Awesome stuff, right? Of course it is.

In a perfect world, you could stay friends with an ex girlfriend whether or not you had feelings for them. But it's not a perfect world, and there are forces aligning against you. For example, how will her new boyfriend react to your friendship? Is he going to join the two of you on your little friendly hangouts... or is he going to sneer in your direction and keep your "friend" as far away from you as possible? Odds are good that he's not going to be your biggest fan, especially once he finds out that you once dated and slept naked next to his girlfriend.

And consider the reverse scenario: what about when you start dating someone else? Will your tell your ex about your friendship? Will she approve of you being buddies with someone you were so close and intimate with? Or will she drive a wedge between you and your ex, causing you to see her less and less until she resents you for abandoning the friendship? Both situations suck, and there are no good solutions. Even though you might have the best of intentions, the reality always comes back to bite you in the ass. Unfair as it may be, it's the way of life.

And hey, let's be honest... chances are you still have feelings for your ex girlfriend. You may say you don't, but in the back of your mind it's always nice to think she'll come to her senses and realize she should never have dumped you. Know where that's going to happen? In the movies. Because it's not going to happen in real life.

Here's a novel idea: rather than act like you're okay with being friends with your ex, why not work toward getting her back? Winning back your girlfriend's love isn't as hard as you think it is. If you're interested in giving your relationship another shot, you should try and take that chance. There's a long winding road to reconciliation, but that road doesn't have friendship stamped all over it. If you're willing to put in the time and effort to repair your break up, you and your ex can be friends *and* lovers... which is what you probably wanted in the first place, before she broke up with you and used the "F" word.

To get your ex back, you must first make her miss you. She just can't miss you while you're one of her friends. Making her need you back is next to impossible when you're talking to your ex, emailing her, and texting her on a daily basis. You're shooting yourself in the foot - diving head-first into a huge friendship trap, and there won't be any way out of it once you get in there. As time goes on and your past history together becomes further and further removed from her mind, your ex sees you as a platonic friend - a brother even - a guy to call when her car won't start, or when she needs the recipe for something. Ugh.

When your ex offers to be friends, tell her you just can't do it. Let her know you care about in different ways, and that being her friend would be like going backward. Either she gets all of you or none of you at all - make her face the fact that she might lose you completely as both friend and boyfriend. Faced with this choice, she might consider reversing the decision to break up. This is a choice she'll never have to make while you allow her the cushy comfort of friendship.

So stop reading articles on how to make a nice little friendly world that includes your ex girlfriend in it... and start learning how to get her back in your life for good.


You'll never get back together with your ex unless you have a definitive plan. There are some awesome techniques you can use to Get Back Your Ex Girlfriend, so learn what they are! And for more ideas on how to reconnect, check out Contacting Your Ex when you want her back.



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